Here you are experiencing the miracle of birth, following all the steps that occur in a normal live birth, but at the very same moment, you are experiencing death and eternity. It is the most overwhelming and unnatural feeling. Your body, heart and soul are so conflicted.
Conflicted seems to be my mood most of the time these days. I spent this past weekend making wonderful memories with Noah. We celebrated together as his team won a regional title. I cherished every moment as this is his last season in youth football. It feels as if he is growing up with every second that passes. I am hanging on to every moment with all of my motherly strength.
But there, in the back of my mind, even in moments of pure joy, grief stabs at my heart. It is still so fresh and always there. It will hit me as I see a mother feeding her baby, a little girl in a tutu or even as I climb onto a roller coaster with my son, knowing I shouldn't be able to ride roller coasters, I should still be carrying a growing baby girl.
As the holidays approach, I feel frozen. It's as if celebrating, moving forward doesn't make sense. Life has derailed and yet it still moves on. And so, I am constantly trying to balance it all. Figuring out how to be Presley's mom while still being Noah and Parker's mom. Providing love, support, packing school lunches, helping with homework, while still clinging to the precious baby girl I held in my arms just six weeks ago.
Today I was supposed to call the medical board to give an interview about my complaint...I didn't do it. Instead, I played thirty rounds of "Heads Up" with Parker. Some days I feel like I have the strength of a warrior headed into battle, others I feel like I can barely move.
I'm not sure I'll ever master the art of mothering children both on earth and in heaven. It's a learning process for sure. For now, I'll focus on not becoming too consumed with either role and just do the best that I can at any given moment.
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