Up until two weeks ago everything about this pregnancy was so very different from the way things went with Presley. I kept telling my doctors, friends and family that I felt fantastic and I had pretty much convinced myself that we were in the clear. What happened before seemed like a fluke, my OB was being cautious, but had reassured us many times that it was extremely unlikely to experience the same things again. So just as I started to relax and enjoy the idea of a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, bam!!! Everything got crazy. We had what we thought was a hiccup, got through that pretty well and within days, another issue arose. I see one or both doctors every week now and that's pretty much the only time I leave the house, or my bed for that matter. The first few days on bed rest I managed to stay positive, I was making lists of all the things that needed to be done, organizing the boys' schedule, pinning cute projects, getting my bedroom rearranged into what resembles a studio apartment (since I have to limit the number of times I climb the stairs, I now have a mini fridge and "pantry" in the bedroom) and watched a few old movies. Then the novelty wore off and the reality of the situation hit me...hard. That morning Brett got up, headed down stairs to let the dogs out and did what he thought was part of our new routine. He poured me a bowl of captain crunch and began to bring it to me in bed. Sweet, right? I absolutely lost it.
The idea of eating captain crunch for breakfast three mornings in a row pushed me over the edge. Just a few days earlier I'd been craving it and hadn't complained as it was served up, actually thanked him for breakfast! But at that moment, the fact that I couldn't just pick out my own breakfast did me in. I cried in my pillow for a good half hour or so, then refused to eat until lunch. I'm not sure what affect that was supposed to have, other than making me really hungry, but at the time the whole idea of breakfast was simply ruined. The thought of being in this position for months was so very overwhelming.
Then Tuesday morning I woke up around 4:30am feeling really uncomfortable, after doing a few of the things the doctor recommended post surgery, I was still feeling contractions. Afraid to wait much longer I woke Brett, called the doctor and had to make the difficult decision to go to the ER. We had two choices, however the most rational one was to go to the same ER where we lost Presley. I dreaded the idea because I knew we'd be in the same position, not quite 20 weeks and not yet eligible to check in as an OB patient.
We experienced a lot of the same feelings, lots of waiting, lots of nonchalant medical personnel and, of course, no fetal monitor. This time they at least did a Doppler check for babies heartbeat before an hour wait for ultrasound. After a six hour stay that included a fire alarm sounding for half an hour, it was determined I had a UTI that was likely causing the discomfort and possibly some contractions (although I knew I was having them, they can't conclusively say that since they never checked). We finally went home feeling very tired, but fairly relieved. That afternoon as I tried to nap, I realized that I cannot look too far ahead. Right now I have to look at each day as it comes, check that off the calendar and then face the next. Those days will eventually turn into weeks, those weeks will lead us to new milestones and eventually we will find ourselves in a safer, better place.
So as I face this day, I face a lot of mixed emotions. I am somewhat haunted by the idea that when I wake up tomorrow, I will have officially had more time with this baby than I did with Presley. I face the triumph of making it past that point and the fear of becoming too comfortable. I face the fact that I have so very little control over the outcome, in spite of the great efforts I'm making to keep this baby growing safely inside me for several more months.
That's some overwhelming stuff! But I'm also overwhelmed at the love, support and generosity of others. Brett has stepped up and taken over packing lunches, school drop offs, football carpool and so many things I'm sure he'd rather not be doing. My parents are spending nights on an air mattress in an empty bedroom and sharing a bathroom with my boys, to fill in where needed. Friends have prepared dinners so that my family isn't stuck eating out of to go boxes or the microwave every night of the week. We also received a gift this week that words cannot express our gratitude for, I know you don't want recognition, but you know who you are and we thank you from the very depths of our hearts. When this baby arrives, she will be here with us because of the efforts and blessings of so many. For that, I am so very grateful. We really wouldn't make it without our amazing village of support.
So today, as I think about Presley and the day that we lost her, I am reminded how very blessed I am to have this day with my new baby girl. I am so grateful to have another chance and I am hopeful that as I get through this day, we will get through many, many more.
And I know that on this day, there are mothers out there with broken hearts and empty arms. If you know a mother who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or infant, please reach out today. Send them a message or give them a hug. Let them know that you acknowledge the difficulty of Mother's Day without their babies.
