Saying Goodbye

The morning after the sleepless night in which we lost Presley, the first task on my list was to make arrangements for her tiny body. Due to the confusion at the hospital, I was beyond afraid to leave her there any longer than necessary. My sister and I looked over the list of funeral homes provided by the social worker. If you've never had to do this, I can tell you it is one of the most baffling things to comprehend. How do you choose? Do you look at price, reviews, location??? Some offer discounts for infants and children, but it didn't feel right to search for a bargain when burying your daughter. So many thoughts raced through my mind, but ultimately it was just an urgency to pick something.
I had initially wanted to bury her near my grandparents, but that wasn't an option. Brett and I then discussed various locations and at the time felt the need to have her as close to us as possible. We know that she isn't there, I know with every fiber of my being that Presley is with Jesus. But when you lose a baby that you held for only moments in your arms, there is an indescribable need to have tangible pieces of them. For us, one of those things is the nearness of Presley's grave, we can go there often, take momentous and just spend time dreaming of who she might of been and wishing she were here.

Through a pretty basic process of elimination the first call we made was to Heritage at the Church of Joy campus. In addition to being close to where we live, I taught preschool there for many years, my boys went to school there and in many ways it will always feel a little like home to me. God had His hand in the placing of that phone call. After the traumatic experiences at the hospital the night before, we were treated with so much care and compassion by the staff at the mortuary. They handled every detail of our daughter's service and burial beautifully and were unbelievably gracious, for that I will always be grateful.
We decided to do a small graveside service with just our close family. I am normally such a social, more the merrier person, but  the thought of being surrounded by so many people and the fear of unknowingly leaving someone out, was just too much.
So on Tuesday, October 14th we gathered with our parents and siblings and laid our baby girl to rest. The grief and finality we experienced that morning still take my breath away. Seeing my boys in so much pain at the loss of their little sister is by far the most difficult thing I have ever experienced as a mother. We were blessed to have a long time friend and pastor conduct the service. He knew just the words we needed to hear and was such a wonderful, comforting presence. 

We cried, we prayed, we listened to "Nothing Lasts for Long" by The Samples, we laid pink roses in the ground and we let her go. As painful as they are I will always hold the memories of that day close to my heart. At the last minute I asked a family friend to take photos of the service. I realized that we would have so little to remember Presley by; no first steps, no birthday photos, no first days of school...so I needed photos of that day. The day that we honored and celebrated the existence of my daughter, if even for just moments.