Blank Space

We lost Presley five months ago today, right around this very time of the day. My due date is five days away. It has been looming out there the past few weeks and with it has brought an intense amount of anxiety. I just don't know how to be twelve weeks pregnant instead of thirty nine weeks pregnant. It makes no sense AT ALL. We buried Presley five months to the day before my due date. It really wasn't intentional and I'm not sure we were even aware of it at the time, but it has made March 14th feel all the more overwhelming.
Everyone keeps asking if I'm relieved to have survived my first trimester...not really. Right now I'm still focused on what feels like an eternal wait to viability. I am not going to feel one ounce of relief until I at least make it to the point at which a doctor will attempt to save my baby if something were to go wrong. At this moment in time it's difficult for me to look forward to milestones. We may find out the sex of this baby in a few short days, I was so extremely excited for that ultrasound with Presley, we brought our entire extended family and made dinner reservations to celebrate, this time, it just doesn't seem real. Don't get me wrong, we love this baby immensely, but self preservation has kicked into overdrive and I can't even bring myself to walk past the baby section of a store, better yet consider if we'll be buying pink or blue.
We live in a tiny three bedroom home, which we'll likely move out of before this baby ever arrives and yet one bedroom still sits completely empty. We really could use the extra square footage for the boys to spread out, or maybe an office, but it was meant for Presley, I had just chosen paint swatches the week we lost her. So instead, it's wasted space with a few random baby items stashed in the closet.
Life has been chaotic, the boys started spring football a few weeks ago, our bathrooms were all unexpectedly renovated last month and I started a new job. On the outside I might look like I've got it all together, but if you look a little closer, I'm a mess.
How do I grieve for Presley while anticipating the arrival of our rainbow baby, along with maintaining any bit of sanity for "normal life"?
It feels as though I'm wandering around in a wide open blank space. Nothing is as it should be. It's like I need to hit a rest button for this pregnancy, somehow trigger my brain to kick into maternal gear, but it just isn't happening. I know that this is just a season, I know that I have to take each day as it comes and I know that everything is in God's hands. Living in the "now" is just a tremendous struggle, it feels as if time is standing still.